bookofmirth:

susannadlpena:

“‘They’ve changed’ is not a good enough reason to forgive someone.”

“I can’t believe this character forgave the man who killed her father.”

“She doesn’t deserve to be forgiven.”

I want to talk about something that has been bothering me for almost as long as I’ve been reading YA Literature: forgiveness. That’s right, kids. Buckle up, because I’m getting on my soap box for this one.

So often, I read outraged posts and comments from various people about one character forgiving another, and it’s made me think that maybe people don’t quite understand forgiveness. What forgiveness is for. Why we forgive other people. I can tell you one thing: forgiveness in many cases is not intended for the person being forgiven. It’s intended for the person doing the forgiving. 

What IS forgiveness? I feel like we get forgiveness and excusability mixed up. Let’s take A Court of Thorns and Roses, for example. We’ll use Feyre and Tamlin. Tamlin is Feyre’s abuser. I don’t think anyone would argue against that (and if you do, we need to talk). If Feyre were to forgive Tamlin, I can tell you exactly what that DOES NOT mean. Or rather, what that SHOULD NOT mean (what the author does is a whole different story). 

Feyre’s forgiveness of Tamlin does not mean she has to have any kind of a personal relationship with him. She doesn’t have to love him. She doesn’t have to like him. She doesn’t even have to speak to him again if she doesn’t want to. It does not mean in any way that she is saying what he did/is doing is ok. She is not excusing his behavior. She is not ignoring his behavior. She is not going back to her abuser. She is not doing ANY of those things.

What she IS doing, is letting go of her resentment because of the things he’s done. That’s the definition of forgiveness. Letting go of your resentment.

BUT WAIT, SUSANNA, SHE SHOULDN’T HAVE TO SHE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO RESENT HIM AND BE ANGRY AND

Yes. She does have every right to resent him forever and be angry forever. But believe me when I say, in the long run, she would be hurting herself more than she would be punishing him in any way. Because eventually, Tamlin will give up on her. Eventually, he will dismiss her and move on with his own life. And Feyre will be holding onto her anger to her own detriment. 

Dr. Carsten Wrosch, from Concordia University in Canada says that holding onto anger and resentment can eventually physically effect someone’s health. It chips away at your mental, emotional and physical health until it morphs you into someone you barely recognize. My friends. That is partially how Nesta came to be how she is now. 

Nesta has a proclivity toward bitterness and anger and there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with that. But part of the reason she is so hard and walled up and shut off from everyone (including, now, her sisters, may I remind you) is because of her inability to forgive her parents for what they did to her. And it severely affects her life. She is unable to open up to the person she loves most: Elain. She couldn’t take care of her sisters when she should have been. She can’t let herself love Cassian. 

“If she’s happy that way, though”–but she’s NOT happy. Even if you hated ACOFAS, you have to admit, SJM did an excellent job of showing that Nesta was NOT happy. She was miserable. She tears down everyone around her because of her own attitude, and I can almost guarantee you, at the root of that attitude, partially lies an inability to forgive. To let go. To release her resentment FOR HER OWN BENEFIT. 

Nesta’s “punishment” of those around her hurts her friends and family. For now. And though I’m sure it would break all their hearts, eventually, they will give up on her. If she continues to push them away, they will stop pushing back. It sucks. But at the end of the day, if she refuses to be helped when it’s offered to her, people will stop offering.

In the long run, she’s hurting herself more than she’s hurting other people with her resentment.

This applies to so many other YA novels. Jace and Valentine. Karou and Akiva. Aelin and Arobynn (that one’s hard for me, I’ll admit. You can forgive someone and still think they deserve a slow, painful death). The list, quite honestly, is endless. 

No one really deserves forgiveness. I’m sure there are things each of us has done to another person, whether purposefully or accidentally, that the other person has not wanted to forgive us for. But everyone deserves to forgive. Everyone deserves to have the peace of mind and release that comes with it.

TL;DR: Forgiveness in YA Literature is a good thing. It is not a sign of weakness. It is not a sign of the perpetuation of abuse. It is good. It is healthy. It is a sign of strength. And we need to stop demonizing it.

I love this, and I wanna add one small thing – it’s up to an individual if they want to forgive. It’s not up to someone else to say whether you should or shouldn’t forgive. We, as readers, can resent Tamlin all we want for what he did. But the choice of Feyre (or Rhys!) to forgive him, is up to them. As long as it isn’t demanded or forced, it’s a good thing, and allows them to move forward with their lives.

And yeah, i think that when Rhys went back to Tamlin and made sure that he ate, that was a step towards forgiveness. And I was glad to see it, not only because I really did think he crossed a line in being a dick to Tam, but because of what Susanna said above.