It’s short, but I thought that kept to the nature of the song anyway. I hope you enjoy the angst! (also, thank you for bringing my attention to this song! I’ve been listening to the entire album nonstop for days)

tags: @lady-katkat @rkjar1646 @mariamuses @hxghlady @runesandfaes @lorcanswife @wolffrising @faelightsstarfall @acourtofredqueens @halcyon-havoc @highlady-of-night @my-ships-will-never-be-sank @musicmaam @starzablaze @abimomeopectore @rhysand-darling @alexisnm95 @destiny14444 @leulivy @ame233 

I shouldn’t be here.

He’s not going to want to see me. Not after what I said today.

I’ve always been cold and dismissive toward the Illyrian, masking any interest with hatred. Every time he got close, I would push him back even further. I lived in fear of letting him in.

Until today, he was always left a bit of hope of a chance. He had begun to take my reactions to his advancements as entertainment, and it had become a sort of game. A game that I hated, of course, but a game all the same.

All until now. I block out the memory of what I said–the harsh, blunt, scathing speech that left any hope he had remaining in broken pieces. I went too far, and now he won’t come back.

I can’t bring myself to leave, though. I continue to pace outside his bedroom door, not willing to go, but not willing to knock.

What is he doing behind this door? Is he as broken up as I am, realizing that the walls are coming crashing in, and he’s out of power to stop it? I picture him on the edge of his bed, dark wings spread out behind him, dragging his fingers through his hair. I picture the room around him in ruins, not safe from his… what, rage? Heartbreak?

No.

He’s probably sleeping in peace, having forgotten that I even exist. He’s over me–I told him to be.

It’s like we were a house, and I broke down the final beam keeping the roof over our heads. We are left out in the cold. Even the foundations seem to have eroded away, now. Can we be rebuilt?

I stop pacing and stare at the wood of his door, wishing I could see inside. If I only knew what he was doing, how he was reacting, I could know what to do. I could try to repair what I destroyed.

I’m done waiting out here, not knowing what he’s thinking. I have to do something, I decide.

Before I can change my mind, I knock three quick times on the door. Schooling my expression into icy cool, I wait for it to open.

I hear a small shuffle on the other side, a quiet groan, and finally, the door opens.

Cassian’s face is completely blank for the first time I’ve ever seen. He always wears his thoughts on his expression, and that’s how I know how to interact. But there’s nothing for me to work with.

I don’t know how to feel, so I settle with anger. My heart beats fast and hard in my chest, and everything feels suddenly too hot.

“Look,” I snarl, “I’m sorry, okay?”

“I’m done, Nesta.” He starts to close the door, and suddenly panicked, I stop it with my foot.

“Cassian, please.” My mask of anger drops, and I don’t bother putting it on again.“I’m sorry that I came so late. I’m sorry that I’ve pushed and pushed you away, so much that you didn’t come back.” Now that the words have started, I can’t make them stop. Everything I never said comes out in one desperate speech. “You said once that your greatest regret in life was that we didn’t have time, but mine is that I didn’t give it to you. I know you deserve better than what I’ve been, Cassian. And I’m going to change.”

Cassian shakes his head in exasperation. “You don’t get it Nes.” I cringe slightly at the nickname out of habit. “I don’t want you to change. That has never been my goal. I want you, and I want you to want me without guilt or shame or obligation.”

“I do want you, Cassian. I want you. I didn’t realize it–didn’t accept it–until you were gone. Until I didn’t even have the option of turning you away anymore.” The anger returns now, only this time at myself.

Cassian sighs, the hard lines of his face softening. “Just… let me sleep on it.” He closes the door again, and this time I don’t stop it.

But I can’t help but feel hollow, standing alone in the hall.