rowaelinsmut:

“Copper for your thoughts?”

Aedion looked up from his place of vigil at the front of the warship to see Lysandra leaning against the railing a few feet from him. The shifter had always been light on her feet but this time, she had surprised him.

She sidled closer when she noticed the Aedion’s glassy eyes and reddened nose.

Aedion looked the opposite direction, shame colouring his cheeks as he was caught with his heart on his sleeve.

“Aedion, you don’t have to hide from me. I understand your need of the Wolf of the North mask in front of our armies… but don’t pull that shit with me.” Although her words were harsh, the softness of her tone let Aedion feel that she understood the emotions warring inside him.

Aedion huffed a breath in an attempt to steady the deafening roar in his ears, the rattles that threatened to escape from his chest. He instead focused on the evening sky around them, the stars twinkling undisturbed despite all the horrors the world below had suffered, the horrors they themselves had experienced. When the lump in his throat cleared, he turned back to face her.

She had already reached a comforting hand out to grasp his own and tugged gently, and Aedion followed her as she led him below-deck and into his cabin.

Lysandra led him to his rickety double bed covered in rumpled, moth-eaten blankets and nudged him to sit before she turned to close the door with a quiet click.

Aedion, whose vision had unfocused now that he was somewhere the Wolf wasn’t needed, barely registered the soft shifting of the bed as Lys climbed up beside him.

He did feel the slight pressure on his cheek as her gentle hand pressed against him and he allowed her to force him to face her.

“Talk to me,” she whispered, her concern written so plainly across her face.

He saw in her eyes everything he needed and the lack of judgement as she beheld him was worth more than anything.

“Do you ever just want to curse the gods for the shit hand you’ve been dealt? Some days I just want to scream, why me, why you and why her.”

His voice broke on the last word and a tear trickled down his cheek. Lys wiped it away and then took both his hands in her own.

“Not always. My shit hand brought me to you, to her and to a court that changed the world. I’ve been on adventures and fought in battles. I’ve seen more of the world than I ever dreamed…” she paused and cleared her throat. “And I’ve learned to love and the true meaning of friendship. Friends I would die for, friends I tried to die for. And even though it wasn’t enough and the price was still her in the end, she left the world a better place. A safe place.”

Aedion’s hands clenched around Lysandra’s slender fingers and he drew a deep breath.

“I don’t know how to feel most of the time, Lys. I am riddled with guilt because I’m alive and my cousin is not. But there is also relief because she saved our world and she saved you. And I know that Rowan will raise their child to be everything Aelin died for and more, but I also know he expects me to come home someday. To see the little girl with her eyes, my eyes. I just don’t know how to face them. I’ve been running for so long.”

Lysandra scooted closer to him and her warmth pressed against his side, her head rested on his shoulder. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and breathed her ever-changing scent in deep, allowing it to wrap around his heart, to soothe.

“I don’t think he expects you to do anything but live. To cherish the gift our queen died to give us.”

She was right, of course. She always was when it came to Aelin, to Rowan. Aedion always let his hotheadedness blind his rational sensibilities but Lysandra was there to ground him, to give him shit when he was being irrational.

“How can you always be so okay with everything? I don’t -“

“I’m not, Aedion,” she interrupted before he could go on. She pulled away and looked him hard in the eye.

“None of this is easy. I miss her every single day and no matter how long it’s been or how far we go, it doesn’t get any better. They say time heals all wounds but Aelin is not just a wound. She was a storm to be weathered, a force to be reckoned with. Her laughter and joy were as fierce as her cutting words to her enemies. You don’t just forget that.”

Lysandra’s breathing had quickened and Aedion regretted upsetting her or causing her any pain.

“We all lost her, Aedion. But you know just as well as I do that she would whip your ass from Terrasen to the Wastes if you refuse to learn to live in a world where she does not exist. If you don’t forgive yourself. It wasn’t your fault. None of it was.”

Aedion’s heart clenched as a single tear ran down her slightly pinked cheeks.

His fault. All his fault.

“Lys, I’m so sorry. Please…” he reached out to her, desperate to close the emotional and physical distance he felt between them and her rigid posture fortunately relaxed.

She allowed him to pull her close and tuck her head under his chin. He ran his hands through her hair, massaging her scalp as he went.

“You need to stop blaming yourself, Aedion. She wouldn’t want this for you. For us.”

Aedion detangled his hands from Lysandra’s hair and placed a finger under her chin so she would look at him. She obliged him with no restraint.

He traced his thumb over her full bottom lip and then leaned in slightly to press unsure lips against her own. Lysandra leaned in and kissed him back with every ounce of assurance she had.

They broke apart and Aedion felt a part of his heart lighten for the first time since that dark day.

“Lys, as long as I have you, I can do anything. Don’t ever stop telling me how it is. Always remind me that she was here, she loved us and she wants us to be well. I can’t promise I’ll ever be as I once was… but with you, I can take on the world.”

Lysandra smiled softly.

“It’s only been a year, my love. We all need time. Rowan needs it as much as we do and when we’re ready to stop running, we will go home and help raise that beautiful little girl to be as wonderful and giving and selfless as her mother was.”

Aedion nodded, his resolve once more strengthening, as it always did when Lysandra talked sense into him.

The pressures of court would always be there. Rowan would always welcome them home. And Lysandra would always remind Aedion that while Aelin was lost, she was not forgotten.

And one day, that knowledge will be enough to walk through the gates of Terrasen and help rebuild the court that rattled the stars.

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